So it has been quite a while since I have updated this little blog of mine and a lot has changed since my last update!! Sooo get ready for a whirl wind of info and maybe some laughs and tears :-)
So, lets start at the beginning :-)
This is something not many people know but I finally have the strength to talk about it :-). So in October '10, 3 months before our wedding Troy and I decided that we wanted to start a little family. I got off my birth control and figured we would be able to conceive in January once it was all out of my system. Well that didn't happen. Every month was another heart ache and another round of tears and the words "I'm broken". I went to see my doctor and he made a consult so Troy and I could start the process of infertility to see if anything was wrong. We went through a whole round of tests and the results were painful to my ego. I wasn't ovulating. I cried and cried and once again the words "I'm broken" came out of my mouth. Getting pregnant is supposed to be natural so why couldn't I do it. What was wrong? What did I do to make this happen? I felt like I was letting my husband down, hell I was letting myself down. Not once in my life did I think I would have to go through infertility. All I ever wanted was to be a Mommy and my world came crashing down in that Dr.s office. We talked about our options and the Dr. wanted to give Clomid a try. Clomid is a pill you take that makes you hyper ovulate which is exactly what I needed. The Dr. gave me sooo much hope and my spirits were up again. He gave me 3 months worth and Troy and I decided that we would start it in July when we went to Florida to visit his family. Troy was so optimistic that it was gonna work and I was a negative nancy. I took the pills and dealt with the horrible hot flashes and mood swings because this "magic pill" was going to give me what Troy and I so desired, a little us. At the end of our trip I was getting sleepy and hungry. Troy was convinced I was pregnant, I on the other hand did not. He went and bought a test, I pee'd on the stick and waited that dreadful 3 minutes, NEGATIVE, I was crushed once again. We came back to CA and I was experiencing some very weird things. I was getting hot flashes, my boobs hurt, my skin broke out like a teen going through puberty and my sense of smell was off the charts. My mom was convinced I was pregnant the moment I could smell my sisters roast beef sandwich from the backseat of her truck. That next day Troy was leaving for the field and we decided that when he got back if Aunt Flow still hadn't come I would take a test when he got home. Well that next week on Thursday I had a Dr.'s appointment and Troy told me to take a test at the hospital, so I did. I pee'd in a cup handed it over to the technician and told her "hope for a positive" she smiled and walked to the back room. I waited the longest hour of my life for those test results. The lady finally called my name, I took a deep breath and walked to her office. I didn't even sit down because I was positive she was going to tell me it was negative. She looked down at my results and said "Mrs. Tikkanen we have your test results and it's positive". All of a sudden my knees got weak and I said "excuse me" and she repeated herself "you're PREGNANT" I about fell into the chair and started crying. I think she thought she upset me and apologized lol. I reassured her that there was no need for an apology that the tears I was crying were actually tears of happiness. The sweet lady came over and hugged me and helped me plot out how I was going to tell Troy. None of those ideas panned out because when I called him he already knew, he could hear it in my voice. We were both so excited, on that day a whole new chapter in our lives opened up :-)
My Pregnancy :-)
Well it started off crazy and ended crazy. My first trimester I was in and out of the Dr.'s due to cysts rupturing. Luckily I didn't have morning sickness but I figured God was giving me a break since I was in so much pain from the cysts. Little did I know he was actually cutting me some slack since he knew what was ahead. My second trimester was great up until the end when I started having pre term contractions. I was in L&D so much that the nurses came to know me by name lol. They finally gave me medicine to stop the contractions which worked for a while. The weekend of Feb 5th I had my baby shower, on the 6th we bought everything we didn't get but needed and on the 7th at 31 weeks I went into labor. I didn't think it was real, I thought I was just having my normal pre term contractions, no biggie. I called Troy and told him to keep his phone near him just in case I needed him to come home. I called my mom and she didn't answer, I took my pill and relaxed for about 20 minutes and the contractions weren't letting up. They were getting stronger, closer and hurt like hell. I called Troy's phone crying, our friend Jay answered and the only thing I could say was "he needs to come home, I have to go to the hospital" I'm sure Jay couldn't understand me since I was a blubbering mess so I just kept repeating myself. I don't think Troy thought it was serious, hell I didn't think it was serious, because he didn't come home right away, he finished his work lol. I called my mom again and she finally answered. I told her what was going on and she kept telling me to call an ambulance but I refused and in denial. I wasn't in labor, it was too soon, this was normal.... or so I thought. Finally Troy called me and said he was on his way, he knew from the sound of my voice that something just wasn't right so he called an ambulance. 20 minutes later my street was filled with fire trucks an ambulance and police cars. My house was filled with first responders and some were even in my kitchen looking for snacks and getting me juice since my blood sugar was super low. All I kept thinking while they were in there was "good thing I keep a clean house" lol... They finally get me into the ambulance and the emt tells me "I don't have a wife, I've never had a baby and I've never seen anyone in labor, but If I had to guess, I would guess you're in labor". Well gee thanks Mr. EMT that is exactly what I needed to hear. So they wheel me into the ER and the doc takes one look at me and says "she's in labor, get her to L&D now". I finally get wheeled up to L&D, I get all hooked up to monitors and I am contracting every 2 minutes. Turns out I was 4cm dilated and my water bag was bulging. They pumped me full of meds to stop labor so I could be transferred to a bigger hospital with a NICU. At about 6pm I was being transferred via ambulance to San Diego Naval Hospital. My labor stopped and was moved from L&D to the Ante Partum unit. The next morning the Dr.'s came and talked to me and told me my little hospital room was going to be my new home until little Logan decided to make his appearance. Troy called everyone he needed too and luckily they allowed him to stay with me. I am so glad they did because I don't know what I would have done without him. He is/was my rock. During my 33rd week I started getting a headache that wouldn't go away, my blood pressure was rising and I went into labor again. The labor stalled. Because of the head ache my Dr. decided to run a urinalysis to check for protein. It came back normal. The next day the Dr. decided to run another urinalysis to see if anything changed and thank goodness she did because it came back with protein in it. They started me on a 24 hour urine collection. The next day I got my results and within 10 minutes I was being induced. I was diagnosed with a severe case of pre eclampsia. They started my pitocin and I got the epidural. Everything was going great but I wasn't dilating. They broke my water & I dilated from a 4 to a 6. Then my epidural stopped working and then Logan's heart rate dropped. At this point things become fuzzy for me. I was in so much pain that nothing anyone said to me made sense until I heard the words "Mrs. Tikkanen your sons heart rate dropped we have to perform an emergency c section now. I cried, I was scared for my baby and I just wanted him to be ok, but this is not how it was supposed to happen. Not only could I not get pregnant on my own or carry my son to full term but now I wasn't even going to be able to have him the "natural" way. I failed. The wheeled me into the operating room and the only thing I remember is the pain. They removed my epidural and did a spinal, it didn't work, they did 1 more and thank goodness it worked. My husband was finally able to be by my side and at that point I remember feeling at peace. As I was laying there on the operating table I just remember praying for the safety and health of my sweet baby boy who I have loved since the moment we decided to start a family. I was so scared for him.... I finally heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard. I asked "is that my baby?" and the Dr. answered "Yes" I was so relieved that he was crying. Troy was able to go see him and they brought him over to me so I could give him a quick kiss before they took him to the NICU. I didn't see his face but I knew he was beautiful, how could he not be? He was made from Love. They sewed me back up and wheeled me into recovery. Troy showed me tons of pictures and I was right, he was the most beautiful baby in the world. After I spent a few hours in L&D recovering they wheeled me back to my ante partum room where I could really rest. I wasn't able to see Logan until he was 2 days old because of the medicine I was on but oh boy when I did I was the happiest, proudest mama in the world. My sweet boy was doing so well!!!
Logan's NICU Stay
Logan's stay in the NICU was thankfully uneventful. My little guy just needed to gain weight and eat full feeds. It took him 12 days. Troy and I stayed in a room across the hall from the NICU for the first week and in a hotel not too far from the hospital the second week. It was so hard having to "visit" my baby and having to see him hooked up to wires and having to ask to hold him, BUT he was healthy and that's all that mattered. We finally took him home and haven't looked back :-)
We are home and Logan is growing like a weed. He is now 9lbs 13oz. He has rolled over from his belly to back and is now starting to coo. Our little boy amazes us everyday and we fall in love with him more and more everyday. He is truly the light of our lives and we couldn't imagine our life without him.
I also want to say a HUGE and I mean HUGE THANK YOU to our families for everything you have done. You have given me a shoulder to cry on, strength to keep going when everything went wrong and kept me company while in the hospital :-).... I love you guys more then you know!